Many parents worry about saying the wrong thing. What matters most is to listen and show that you care.
Research shows that asking someone about suicidality actually helps.
Many people who have experienced suicidality say they feel better when they can talk about it openly.
If you are worried that someone might be experiencing suicidality, just ask them.
It is OK to talk about it.
How to Begin
- “Are you having thoughts about killing yourself?”
- “Have you had thoughts about ending your life?”
- “I’ve noticed some changes and wanted to check in.”
- “You seem to have a lot of hard things going on lately. How are you feeling?”
- “I care about you and want to understand. I’m here to listen.”
- “I’ve noticed you seem stressed lately. What are some things that are causing you to feel this way?
- “What is a color that describes how you’re feeling? In what ways?”
- “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being terrible, and 10 being great, what number would describe how you feel and why?”
- “What are some things that could be better?”
- “Can you help me understand what’s been the hardest for you lately?”
What Helps
- If someone confides in you about having suicidal thoughts, always take them seriously
- Listen more than you talk
- Use active listening: Listen to understand, not to respond
- Stay calm and open
- Thank your child for sharing, even if it’s hard for you to hear what they tell you
- Create a safe environment where they can express themselves
- Be there for them without judgment
- Show them their feelings are okay and real:
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “I’m glad you told me.”
Lead with empathy more than sympathy
Sympathy = Feeling for someone.
- You recognize that another person is hurting and feel concern or pity.
- There is some emotional distance.
Empathy = Feeling with someone.
- You try to understand or share the other person’s emotions from their perspective.
- It involves emotional connection and perspective-taking.
Sympathy and empathy are related but distinct ways of responding to someone else’s feelings.
- Sympathy: I see you are in pain.
- Empathy: I feel your pain (or I really understand it).
Supporting someone who is at risk of dying by suicide is not something to do alone.
If you do not feel like you know what to do, get others involved who can help and support your child or family member. Reach out to trained professionals, friends, or family to share the responsibility.
What to Avoid
- Pressuring them to talk
Keep in mind: They may not be ready or able to do so.
However, DO keep reminding them that you are there to support them.
- Minimizing feelings (“It’s not that bad,” “You’ll grow out of it”)
- Jumping to solutions
- Lecturing or comparing their experience to others’
- Reacting with anger, panic, or disbelief